If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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