dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
