I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
