Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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