Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
