i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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