Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
So... he formspringed me a link to every nude pic ive taken since he 8th grade. ive evolved nicely. but im nervous as to how this a website.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Randomize
