I feel like I'm in dance class right now
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
You may now shotgun with the bride
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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