what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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