im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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