if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
