jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
