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my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
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