just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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