i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
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