well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
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