sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Why can't burritos get me drunk
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
