I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
