ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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