Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.