A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
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Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
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My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.