I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
