He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
