Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
