you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
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Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
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That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
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