There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
