The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Randomize
