I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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