i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
