The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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