I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
