True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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