So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
so let's talk penis.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
