I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Randomize
