Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
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He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
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so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
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