Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
