Whoa Z and x make the same sound
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
i drank out of a bidet.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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