what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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