I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
