she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
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