you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
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I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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