I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
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