it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
