my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
