Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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