corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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