I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
