just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
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