whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Randomize
