maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
