I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
