i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Randomize
