I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
this is an emotional support booty call
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
