I wish I could punch you in the face.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
