I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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