Your mouth is God's brothel.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Randomize
