started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
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