I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
