I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
